Back in Guitar Fail Math 101! In the previous session, we solved the Blues Equation.
Let’s get louder! Who cares if the results are questionable? Certainly not us. We proudly remain bad at math, good at noise.
So, without further ado… time for Lesson Two!
Today’s topic: Country Music aka the Other Mother of All Rock!
No one calls it that, but we do. Because we can.
What Does It Take to Play Country?
First off, you need to be heartbroken. Money-broke works too, but it can’t beat the pain of a fine gal leaving you for another cowboy.
Then, you need a truck. Every good Country story needs one.
Mind you, we said story, not necessarily song!
Add these two variables and bring in the ultimate twangy guitar, the almighty Telecaster!
If you wanna go further in the Country landscape, you can add a good dose of steel guitar… the instrument that doesn’t just cry, it wails.
It wails so much that it is highly probable that Ulysses himself might’ve succumbed to its charms. If only the Sirens had known! Imagine them playing steel guitars instead of singing…
Ulysses wouldn’t have stood a chance.
Trapped as a rat, Ulysses would’ve written the first Country song ever. Come on, it makes sense… boats are just the trucks of the sea. You can’t argue that fact! But anyway, this is a fantasy for an alternate universe… Let’s get back on track, shall we?
Let’s return to the equation… We got the first part down:
(Truck + Heartbreak) x (Twangy Guitar + optional Steel Guitar)
Once you injected your desired amount of steel guitars into the basic formula, all you gotta do is to divide all this by the Pop factor ! Any amount will do but be careful…
⚠️ The more Pop you add, the less Country your result will be.
And there’s only one way to fix that: replace the trucks with horses. The wilder the horses, the countrier the result… no matter how much Pop you inject.
You know… wild, wild horses. You know the tune.
Bonus math note:
- If your hat size ≥ 10 gallons, it automatically adds 30% country to the result.
- If your dog runs away but comes back, subtract emotional depth.
- If you replace heartbreak with whiskey, result may vary… but chart success likely.
Class dismissed.
See you next time for another swinging math lesson.
