Today’s entry in the Guitar Fail Lexicon is a predictable yet paradoxical consequence of the previous one… Namely: Guitiredness!
Post-Traumatic Shred Disorder | ˈpiˈtiˈʃɹɛdˈdi | noun
A psychological condition triggered by excessive exposure to guitar videos. Common signs: uncontrollable finger noodling, compulsive sweep attempts, and mild existential dread whenever someone says “check out this lick.”
Let’s break down this imaginary word for a very real guitarist condition, shall we?
What Is Post-Traumatic Shred Disorder aka PT-Shred-D?
As I said earlier, PT-Shred-D is a predictable consequence of guitiredness… but as predictable as it is, it remains wonderfully paradoxical.
Guitiredness drains you to the point where you can’t practice guitar.
Hell, it even takes you to the point where you can’t look at a guitar unless it’s inside your social media feed.
But after too much exposure to guitar videos – meaning you stayed guitired just a little too long – something strange happens…
Instead of not being able to play guitar anymore… Your fingers suddenly decide to play without your consent.
When you’ve been guitired for too long, you may feel the uncontrollable urge to mindlessly noodle on the fretboard, attempting :
- Compulsive sweeps
- Frantic two-hand tapping
- Involuntary jazz runs when nervous
- Phantom whammy-bar dipping
- Air-shredding while microwaving leftovers
… And all sort of other manic micro-techniques you absolutely did not intend to perform.
This, my friend, is Post-Traumatic Shred Disorder.
And it wouldn’t even be that bad if it didn’t come with that mild existential dread whenever a fellow guitarist casually drops the most dangerous phrase in the guitar vocabulary: “Check out this lick.”
Yes, even the best of us can be triggered by this simple invitation.
A PT-Shred-D-infected mind may interpret it as an aggressive call for a shred duel, leading immediately to:
- more noodling
- more compulsive sweeps
- more mindless shred
More, more, more… Because as Master Yngwie wisely said: “More is more.”
Unfortunately, more eventually leads to sore. There is only so much your poor little fingers can take.
So… Can You Shred Your Way Out of PT-Shred-D?
Good news: Yes, you can!
Bad news: it may require some radical measures…
Do’s to Overcome PT-Shred-D
- Get an acoustic guitar. Nothing stops shredding faster than the sudden awareness of actual string tension.
- Deep dive into cowboy-chord songs. If the chords have only letters and no numbers, you’re already healing.
- Upgrade your string gauge. Bass players know the truth… You don’t shred on heavy strings.
- Play bass. This is the next level if the heavier strings aren’t enough. Groove now, shred never.
- Overload on theory. Keep your mind so busy with scales, modes, and intervals that it can’t spare any resources for your damn fingers.
- Try reading a music score. Sure, you’re now on your way to a different psychological distress… but at least you’re out of PT-Shred-D.
Don’ts to Overcome PT-Shred-D
- If you decided to play acoustic guitar for a while… Do NOT listen to acoustic virtuosos. Yes, Tommy Emmanuel is a gift to humanity. No, you should not attempt to emulate him right now. This is the fastest way to reinforce PT-Shred-D.
- If you decided to switch to bass for a while… Do NOT solo on the bass. You’re here to groove, not to launch a one-man prog-fusion odyssey. If you feel that urge to solo on the bass, remember that’s just your PT-Shred-D crawling its way back in.
- Don’t watch a Tim Henson video. Your nervous system won’t survive it.
But hey… Feel free to do whatever it takes to walk off from this condition that is surprisingly common, and luckily treatable.
Hope this gave you a roadmap out of the madness… Because your fingers have rights too.
Until the next Guitar Fail Lexicon entry…
Keep shredding responsibly, keep noodling in moderation, and above all, remember that no lick is worth spiraling back into PT-Shred-D.
